How to help someone talk about things they don’t want to It’s an oft asked question. How do I get someone to talk and reveal something that they just refuse to talk about? This is not just for us and our desire for the stories of someone’s life but it’s also the same for finding out who batted the ball through the window or how did the political sensitive documents come into the hands of the enemy. How do you get someone to talk about something if they don’t want to? Ultimately, when push comes to shove, if despite the most severe ramifications, someone doesn’t want to speak, there is nothing that can be done. Secret agencies and thugs around the world have always used torture in attempts to achieve these ends and are still thwarted by people who will make mortal sacrifices in order not to reveal what they know. If in the most severe of situations people can remain silent how would we help someone to open up that we care about and don’t wish to cause distress? We can actually take some ideas from the world of espionage and psychology to help us with the winning of confidence. Whether it be when a spy infiltrates a group, or the good cop, bad cop routine or simply when someone feels comfortable enough to talk to their therapist, in each case they have been won over to revealing information to someone they trust. Unlike the world of force, coercion and inquisition we are approaching these topics with compassion, with an interest in understanding things without causing any distress. I’ve had the good fortune of having some conversations where people open up for the first time in their lives about topics and in my experience it will only happen if they are prepared to share and feel comfortable, particularly if it’s a sensitive topic. There are several reasons why someone will feel comfortable to open up and share difficult to express topics. * Comfortable with the relationship – mutual respect * Knowing that what is said is clearly understood * Environment that fosters memories and discussion * Respect and non judgement * Clear understanding of a non threatening agenda Not all of these points need to be achieved but depending on the personality, topic and emotional baggage a variety of these will assist in help them to express the subject. Understand and relate to the them with empathy Empathy is the ability to understand the situation of another person, without personally emoting with the experience that they have had. To understand deeply the joy or sadness of their story, without feeling joy or sadness but simply relate to the story as if it’s being told from a film or book. You understand but are not involved emotionally. Buying into the emotions is sympathy and disables your ability to discuss the topic from a neutral point of view, whereas empathy enables you to relate and be deeply connected to the stories while still remaining on task as someone directing the conversation because your not emotionally involved. By having and showing empathy with a person’s story they will feel relaxed and confident to know that you’re involved, understanding and non judgemental of the stories being told, helping them to open up and share as they know they are on safe ground. How to be empathic and express it Generally descriptions of empathy are – The ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It’s all well and good to feel empathy for the story that is being told but it’s possibly even more important to be able to communicate that empathy to the other person. This will give them the confidence that you understand the emotional content of what they are saying and help them to know that they can express whatever they choose without concern. To be empathetic